Marriage is about love and addition. Ending it is about sorrow and subtraction. Going in, many couples have God, a priest or rabbi, and a spiritual and emotional doctrine that says they should honor and cherish one another. Coming out, there is a judge, attorneys and a legal doctrine that stipulates “who gets what.” When couples…most especially…families go through divorce, they need to keep the love and spirituality in the process more than ever, but our current method of dissolution often takes that out of the equation.
There is a way to make the process less harrowing if we decide to bring math and spirituality together. When each party and their attorneys commit to the same goal, featuring a healthy motive and mutually beneficial outcome; the energy of all becomes one. When the divorcing couple agree to finish their marital journey with as much grace and dignity as they had going in; a family unit stays undivided. When the two attorneys commit to navigating the roads in-between by taking the fairest and most direct routes; due process can be achieved with less time and money spent. To do this, minds have to change, some laws rewritten, and goals and motives of “the system” need to be redirected.
With divorce, when it comes down to achieving harmonious and equitable results, the counselor at law needs to bring out the counselor within themselves. There is no way to mathematically answer the question, “what went wrong,” and no way to mediate pain and suffering. Up until the moment a marriage is 100% dissolved, it is a tumultuous relationship that needs to be resolved, which makes for a complicated dilemma for every participant, most especially the attorneys and judges who partially direct and maneuver the participants and the process.
Many would ponder whether such “super counselors” exist, but I assure you, they do, and anyone who wants to become one should know, they don’t need much more education, IQ or experience than they already have. What is needed first and foremost is willingness to conquer negativity without division. Second, they would need to see that having their client amicably resolve his or her relationship issues is greater than–not less than–their own need to “win” the case.
The legal profession and the bodies that govern it have to be willing to acknowledge that without their own positive intention to create forward movement, families are less likely to come through the process without anger, animosity and injury. It is unfortunate that clients who are being held in limbo by our court system, are also being held in emotional and financial bondage, as are their children. Our goal as a society should be to get the family unit…albeit single and separate…restored as quickly as possible, and to aspire to be part of that healing process; come to the bargaining table with a willingness to help make the client’s situation get better and not end up “for worse.”
From this wellness professional’s prospective, since power can by wielded either way, why not use it for the best, most healthy outcome for American families?
Donna Martini is a Wellness Activist, coach, a planning commissioner on the NCPC and acts as the Lead Ambassador of Wellness and Green at Large for Nassau County, appointed by County Executive Ed Mangano. Ms. Martini is a professional writer, webmaster for eight of her own websites, and along with her business coaching practice and speaking engagements, she coaches separating couples through their divorces using techniques she describes in her acclaimed book, “The Ten Commandments of Divorce: How to leave your marriage without breaking up your family.”